The reputation of the morning sun in bringing hope, continuity and newness has gained more essence than before. It not only boasts of an assurance of the shortness of human life. It was these thoughts that were racing through my 23 year old mind in my trying to understand the emptiness within me. I tried to make sense of her sickness that had brought along with it a companion in the person of death. I don’t know which one to feel angry at the most, was it was the pain from her weekly chemotherapy? Or should I channel the rage to that moment when the doctor had summed up the rest of her life on a calendar page that read January. Just January.
We had gotten married two years ago. She fell sick two months in and life’s been a battle ever since; a battle for her life. Some said it was the universe punishing us for falling in love too early, others were too filled with pity. Either ways, we knew we had so much more to worry about, at least until the doctor’s post Christmas revelation. The only woman I had ever loved would cease to exist in a few days. The feelings of frustration and betrayal reduced every other aspect of my life to an insignificant blur. The only thing I remember is laying by her side on her death bed, close enough to hear her take her last breath. I have allowed my tears fall without restraint ever since. Once in a while I let myself reminiscinge on the tumor free days. It all seemed like a handful of seconds in that moment. But it was a handful I would give everything to experience once again. A handful that has become priceless. A handful that limited my quest for personal accomplishment to nothing.
I am yet to get myself together since this horrible nightmare but I have however been able to learn from it. The tragedy has brought to me an awakening. The legend of nothingness in the human struggle for relevance. How we own things we don’t need to impress people we don’t know. How we need death to appreciate the brevity of life. How we need tears to be grateful for the blessing of bliss. How we need darkness to applaud the gift of light. Life is more than the basics we live for. Like the famous Dutch saying, you work because you live, you don’t live to work. Make this short trip called life worth it.