At the start of this year, I wondered if I had anything to share at all—any story that was worth telling. 2015 has been a year of many unique stories for me. Like every other year, it has a significant tag attributed to it. For me, it is ‘beginning and change’. Of course, it isn’t the year I marry or the year I become a mother or any one of those life’s grand transitions per say, but still, it birthed so many beginnings and changes for me. It is the year I chose to be more intentional with my life, the year I decided to be more forward with my dreams and aspirations by taking learning more serious—school inclusive. Most of all, it is the year I learnt a lot of life lessons that made it a genuine experience.
A few months before the year started, I had ended an emotional attachment. That kind of attachment you enter unintentionally and find yourself fighting through ropes of pain and ache that has stiffened with time because you let them. Friends helped me through this— good friends— and when I finally came through, it shocked me how we all move on eventually, even in the hardest of circumstances. By it, I started talking to myself. Now, this is something I do—talking—but for the first time, for myself and it worked! Praying did too. Slowly, the slice of contentment and gratitude began to enter by the realization that my life, though bland in my eyes, was another person’s dream. It still amazes me that I lost or nearly lost satisfaction in and with myself and started to live through another’s eyes.
And when love came again ― because as with all life’s happenings, love reoccurs— I was prepared for it, not awed, not perplexed but ready. I learnt too that mistakes we learn from can give a sense of preparedness for life’s reoccurring events. Life, as I have come to see it now, is a cycle of hot and cold events that test the strength of our collective and individual human spirits.
Towards the second quarter, school work became tougher, difficult to balance but with will came courage to withstand the challenges. The first semester of my third year was beautiful. It rolled on to be my best semester academically. I learnt the role of hard-work and for the first time in a long while, it gave me hope in the system. Probably too much hope in the possibilities ahead, I can’t tell but when the next semester began, I pushed myself so hard that the very concept of impossible was neglected. I didn’t fail but I didn’t do as well as I had previously and for weeks afterwards, I fought a sense of loss, saying to myself “but I worked hard. I tried.” It didn’t help. This time talking didn’t help. It was saddening to learn that hard-work is not enough that there are many other statutes that thicken the soup of success.
Friendships this year held a rare significance, the ones that were strong blossomed and the ones which didn’t held that faint awkwardness I was not displeased about. That’s strange, isn’t it? How can I show pleasure over the loss of friendships? I guess I learnt this year that friends are those that see you genuinely. And for the friends I had who remained after they saw me, I am grateful. I must add that I too have had those days when I have withdrawn from friends, withdrawn from trying to make it work, friendships that made me tired of seeing the individual in the other person. And now, when I think about it, I realise that friendship is a classic form of commitment. You learn things, unlearn others and keep at this game of balance because there are times it would be hard and at these times, it would be easy to admit blindness but still, we must see.
During the last quarter, I decided to start something: a blog, something that I could do that could show my growth in character and personality. I wanted to do something that validated me as a woman, a grown woman and writing was the only way it seemed to me that that could be done. I decided to start Ije-Ebi with a friend, a new friend whom I cared about and who knew what Ije-Ebi meant to me, a journey of lessons; lessons I needed to mark with time.
2015 has taught me to accept certain things that I cannot change and work hard to achieve the best possible future for myself, family and society by daring myself daily and that in living intentionally, there is so much that the universe can do for me to achieve all I plan to and more. Though I face challenging days, it’s inevitable and expected. It taught me too how empty life is without Christ.
As 2016 approaches, I hope to learn more about the woman I hope to become and build in myself a better, more deliberate consciousness of my mission to the world. Do have a pleasurable 2016, too!
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