I scurried past hundreds of persons without giving double glances at anyone. I was in haste to make good my appointment. My heart was pounding fast, I could barely breathe. Soon I started crying. The sound of ‘Red Love’ by Pia Mia kept hitting deep into my soul. “Sometimes, enough is enough… If I can never get it, at least I gave it all for it”, so did the song resonate in my ears as I kept walking. Weird yeah? Shhhh… Guys cry too. Many persons who walked past me kept looking at the tears that left my eyes uncontrollably. ‘He probably has lost a dear one,’ many surmised. Others asked why but I just kept going. Truth is, it’s not every time you need to act the strong boss, hard man, hard core stuff. Sometimes, it’s good to just let it go. My mind was clearer as I kept letting the tears run down. Actually, I lost nobody. It was Sheila’s birthday; I needed to go see her. Today of course was memorable for the both of us but then, why did I have to cry like a baby? Laughs. Because it happens. Let’s begin with a throwback.
I was six of myself and half a dozen of Sheila. Yes, Sheila – that girl that had my vibe running. We were thick as thieves, so much so that we had this fling that smeared into a deep relationship. Sheila was the perfect girl for anyone, I would boast. She was fetching in appearance, smart and well-mannered; guys were startful around her. You know that moment you would look at your girlfriend and feel really proud to have her? That was my every moment when I stared at her. Sheila was practically the greatest girl I ever met. I swore to be committed to her by all means. To make sure she also was proud to have me. She was. We really loved each other. We wore our hearts on sleeves; no secrets, no hard feelings. We were just cool together not to mention how much we trusted each other.
Sheila had this friend of hers she always rolled with. Sheila was always keeping it real with him. He was Shade or so, too long a time I can’t remember now. I never got to see him because it never mattered. All I needed was to trust her and I did. We had petty problems though but we always sorted it out; it wasn’t worth a brawl. Sex with Sheila was the best thing that happened. Like I said before, she was just perfect for me. Months rolled by, even years. We were still enamoured of each other. She called me her hero; one that she was always proud of. The sound of that name still reminds me of how beautifully shaped dimples whenever she smiled.
Someday, we were together when a strange number called her. She was jittery on phone as she spoke with whomever it was. After the call, her mood changed all of a sudden. You know the funny thing about being in love? You can read your lover’s feelings without she knowing she is giving just that expression on her face. I could tell instinctively she was connected to whoever called. When a person is capable of changing your mood in seconds, there is always an emotional connection down there. That she taught me. I asked and she passed it off to nothingness. Good riddance, she would say. I was always distracted from thinking of anything silly because she never gave me a reason to. I saw she loved me, as did I her. Months reeled off as we jolted deep into the wiry arms of love. Something happened and then she became quite detached. She began to share my attention. She barely gave me time and after a short while, she would turn to me and have a feckless discussion just to keep it up. Something people do not realise, the first sign to show a divided relationship is attention. No one person can ever cheat on you with full attention. When the attention drops, it doesn’t mean she wants to be free, it means she is sharing it. That she taught me too. I bore it for months knowing something was awry. It made me jittery and paranoid. Trust me, I hate that feeling but then, when you love someone, you would go any length to see how much they love you in return, another lesson she taught me, until she changed. Yes, she changed. Sheila changed.
She met different guys I never knew of. Last straw, she made out with Shade. That Shade she called a friend was the same person she made out with. No guilt, no hard feelings. She kept it normal and I never knew. The pain I feel is not in the fact that they did it, it’s with the fact that I never saw it coming. I trusted her too much for it. Loved her too dearly. Funny thing is, each time she told me she loved me, I still saw the love she had for me deep inside her. She still did when I got to know she was doing stuff with Shade, I kept it and let it consume me. Maybe I should have talked to her or get angry but then, I didn’t want to ruin it. I loved her that much. I kept hurting because I still loved her. I couldn’t move on.
Sheila still never told me anything as months rolled by. We were just cool. We still had the greatest moments together. We would laugh until we cried and each time we spent so much time together in happiness, I kept wondering why she had to do what she did. I felt bad. Yeah right, it has to be my fault she’s cheating. There’s something I have failed in, so I thought. I wanted to make it right with her despite how much I was hurting. You know, that moment you needed to smile but couldn’t afford it. I was gobsmacked to know it wasn’t just Shade, there were other strings were attached too. I was in the middle of a messy situation. Sometimes, love is really just a word. People give it a definition, perhaps Sheila’s definition of Love included other guys in the picture. Bad thing is, she would not date them, she would not discard them, she kept them in the middle just to meet her ends. But then, I couldn’t keep hurting, I had to move on. I couldn’t keep up with swallowing the blame when I never did all she did. I was going to end it. Now let’s go back to the beginning.
So it was Sheila’s birthday. I quickly wiped off the tears in my eyes so she wouldn’t notice. Just as I entered her room, guess what I saw? Beautiful Sheila was lying alone on her bed. She was so beautiful on her birthday. I went close to her and hugged her without saying a word. I held her tightly as silly teardrops flowed down onto her weave-on. “Happy birthday baby. Love you,” I said. She was smiling very emotionally. It was a sight. I brought out a gift for her, it was a large frame. I had a painter draw and paint her boldly on it. It was a picture she took with me some time ago; one that she loved. It was a beautiful work of art. She loved it she said and took it and hung it on her wall, it was a grand glamour. As we sat down, she rested her head on my shoulders and said, “I Love you. You are the best that ever happened to me,” she held me very close to herself while I snuggled her with my face on her hair. Soon, she slept off on my shoulders. I kept thinking. I was going to end it all today but then it wasn’t easy. You know, sometimes it’s difficult to let out of a relationship because you have been so long into it and you don’t know how to be single anymore. Worst of it all is that I never could reconcile how she do much loved me and yet did those things. This feeling really hurts in a way you can’t express. You would wish you were never do attached; not emotionally, No.
As I watched her sleep, Shade was calling her. I had to put it on silent not to wake her up. She slept for hours while I kept thinking about how messed up I have become. I deserved the most faithful woman on earth because I never looked out to cheat on her for a bit. Well, shit happens, loving someone is a great feeling. Sometimes, not being loved in return isn’t the worst feeling; it is believing you are loved in return when you never were. Our lives used to be a party to be thrown, but that was a million years ago. When she woke up finally, she hugged me. She said again, “My hero.. Your shoulders are perfect,” I smiled to her. Just before she said something else, I kissed her deeply. We kissed for minutes and in the end of it, I told her, “Sheila.. I love you but on your birthday…” my voice broke as I continued, “I’m breaking up with you.” At first, it must have sounded like a joke to her until she saw how serious I was with the whole tears gathering up. I told her I already knew everything. She tried to explain but then I couldn’t listen anymore. Tears came back again but this time, it was the both of us crying and hugging each other. The fun, the good times, she screwed it up. “Please don’t go” were the last words she said to me…
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