I have a cold feeling that lingers for a while now and it cages my heart like frost. It comes once in a while and left in its wake is me quitting somebody. It has proven its damage a number of times and the shreds it leaves behind still ache like a fresh scar. My mind chafes from the pressure built deep inside of me every time this feeling starts. Such feeling like I am a werewolf howling at the full moon to ease past a transformation into the dark night; it’s hard to control and it hurts to scare off yet another significant figure from my life.
Good people are far and few between and yet I still send them packing. I know how hard you are trying to settle the thought of me being unrealistic, like “it’s a feeling, why can’t he shake it off…” But on the contrary, we all have our demons to battle, they might come in different forms but we all dream a nightmare. This is mine. I just worry whose turn it is this time: (family, friend or “lover”?).
I bet you will agree I have a family fit enough for the screen; my folks and three lovely sisters. The former I owe my enlightenment to, she paved a trail of exposure I followed through the years and she still doesn’t hesitate to guide me aright at her best. The latter, my “wing man”, my boon companion whom I relate my escapades from time to time, she holds my hip of secrets and if I should at all prove vulnerable and in need of stronghold, she’s boldly standing guard. The little one, not so little anymore, giving by her height and added slugs; selfless to a stretch and always got my best interest at heart. My folks are hard to ignore because they are all over you like hair; good hair that is. Has family failed me so much i want to give up on them? Am i being reasonable?
Friend: Or at least the vague definition of it. I’m not a people person and I vividly hold to account one time someone carefully analyzed me as an evil you like from a distance, once you close by then you might be disappointed. I have seen friends go, right after I bore them with my defensive attribute so I wouldn’t waste much energy to ward them off, most of them eventually leave.
“Lover”: I know some might wonder why I bless the word with a quote, well let’s think of it as emotion being acknowledged in a way. I am not the usual everyday dude every girl would fall head over heels for to say the least, it takes effort and persistence to reach me within. Over the years, I have built a wall so high around me to keep off advances, most try to climb over but give up before they reach the peak. I wouldn’t blame them; i mean who has time to nurture a grownup who is not willing to yield.
Just few people stick around and watch me unfold out of my shell and it works for a moment; i let off my stiffness and give room for companionship but just when the rugged trip starts to ease, i ruin it all, i make a mess of it.
Is this another episode of “he has gone mad again…?” Can I hold back the flames that keep burning from within and how long can i fight the urge. I just hope time tells a good story the next moment we talk about this.
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