I am held up in my thoughts like a wolf on a leash, like a wild shark locked in an aquarium. Scared of frivolous nightmares, I hope will never come. The only aid rendered is the drums beating loudly in my head. For countless hours I have been in despair. The pain is so unbearable and so clutching my weak fists, I manage to stare into the eyes of my long awaited oppressor to come finish his bloody sick mind games. His large eyes bulge out, amazed at my instantaneous recovery. Only if I had the wings of an eagle. Only if I could command the armies of heaven to come scare away my fears. Only if I had the powers of Harry Houdini to levitate me out of this quicksand I am sinking into. Only if I had a guardian angel hovering above my head.
When I was a kid, I would stare into the darkness and imagine a figure with deadly horns, red hot eyes and smoky nostrils. No, this wasn’t the grim reaper. This was something else. Something real bizarre. I would yell out my mom’s name and flee. Most times, these images chased me to my doorsteps, most times they retreated. I guess I am a man with fear. I guess I am a man with demons. Demons devouring my hopes, dreams, and sanity. Don’t pretend we all don’t have one in us. It is that negative voice that whispers to you in the middle of the night. It is that wild, shaky and malevolent voice that creeps into your mind when your sanity is at rest. Even as I fiddle with this old ballpoint, listening to some record over the stereo, I still feel those demons hovering like drones above my head. No. They are not my angels. Where did they drift to? They never leave my side or is this a bloody test? Are these demons going to drown me in my sorrows or are they just toying with my emotions? I guess time will tell.
I looked in the mirror last night and just couldn’t gaze at my reflection. The image I saw was blurry. Yes. I know now. I just got a perfect picture. What I saw that night was time erupting like volcano before my shady eyes. Time is wasted, tick-tocking, trying to hear the quiet voice of my savior, stretching forth my arms as I derail into this pit praying to my heavenly Father who repeatedly proves to me of his existence and care despite my little faith. My dearest father, please save me from the darkness engulfing my soul. Save me one more time. Save me from myself. Save me from my actions which I am never able to account for. Emancipate me from greed, selfishness, sheer wickedness and my overwhelming ego. I just am human. Emancipate me from my emotions which always pushes me to wrong paths when am between crossroads. Save me from myself.
I had another nightmare. I saw myself fleeing from fate. I saw myself fleeing from karma. I raced until I threw up my lungs. I felt my respiration fail and my heart trying to burst out of my broad chest. I felt the lines of sweat twinkle down my body, from my neck down to my thighs even as they do right now. Was it another nightmare or just the adversary playing with my imagination? I guess time will tell. Time always whispers. Time always holds the hidden answers. Oh my God. I can hear his loud footsteps from behind me, slowly creeping like a gigantic carnivorous spider towards my sorry ass. How long will this last? How long will it take for this sickening paranoia lurking on top my head like a guillotine? I guess time will tell. It always holds all the answers to our endless questions.
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