Late last night, I was wondering what to do again. I thought they had vanished after my deliverance session at M.F.M. I thought I was back to my old self. I was still pondering on all this when suddenly in my deep thoughts, I began to hear my wall clock move tick-tock-tick-tock. As I heard the sound, my mind began to race back and forth. Like me, when you hear the sound, your mind races to the past and dashes back. You begin to realise that unlike Naira, Dollars and Pounds, Time is the only currency that once spent can never be retrieved. So why not choose to spend it wisely? I wish I had spent mine wisely but you know, it’s really no use crying over spilt milk. I have long since decided to accept my fate.
Some days I just want to end it all. I have tried once but luckily it was unsuccessful. Sometimes, I just want to have a day without my thoughts, or a day when I can fully control them. I knew I was losing it. I knew I needed help because it was getting chronic given the pattern of me falling into suicidal thoughts frequently. I got angrier because I have always been so passionate about living and achieving but the problem was, misfortunes kept knocking on my door no matter how much I tried. Damn!!! You won’t believe this new me scared away all my family members, friends and loved ones. In fact, even when I tried to make new friends, I simply just started hurting them along the way. They called me a stranger, some a loner, others a psycho or to be borrow local parlance – weyrey. In summary, my days felt like I have been thrown into the deep sea and I was only trying to swim for air in water.
“Paul, why not try to get your mind busy.” I decided to adhere strictly to the advice since it was coming from our family doctor. Sometimes, I really wish I didn’t though because maybe if I didn’t, I probably won’t be writing this from my ward at Yaba Left. I know you most definitely want to know all about how I ended up here but I hear the footsteps of the nurses fast approaching. It is time for our daily injection but not to worry, I promise to complete my story next weekend. Stay tuned.
To be continued…
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