Take away the pain, you take away the hope. You bring back the pain, you bring back the fear, and when the fear returns, so does the faith. Since my admission, part of me argues with the importance of Jesus in my life. A part of me denies that he made it (my admission) possible in the first place. ‘Good hard work equals good success not prayer and fasting plus hard work equals good success’, my rational self would shout anytime I kneel and thank the lord for what he has done for me.
Daily my quite time reduced by a minute and so did my faith. Being in a technological school didn’t help matters because all we were taught had to be real, rational and factual, there was nobody to reassure me why I fell in love with Jesus in the first place and home was like a million miles away. So I have to be jury, judge and executioner in this court case or better still heart case, while my conscience and rational mind plays the defendant and persecutor respectful in that order.
Like that wasn’t enough, my integrity was put to test. Constantly, my flesh throws the sex card on the table but someway somehow I manage to leave with my virginity intact, even though sometimes my image isn’t really dignified and my heart is full of regret. “Everyone is doing it so why shouldn’t I?” The whole stuff is the common thing which somehow to me is seriously abnormal. Even times when I try to pray or exercise my spiritual gifts, I feel empty. My fellowship time evaporated from my timetable as I undertook a new mission, rediscover who Jesus really is. The church, fellowship and other spiritual bodies proved a picture of who he is but my heart wanted its own definition.
Things got hard, really hard. Nights I would cry, praying for a reassurance but nothing. I would comfort myself with the sentence “the teacher is quite during the test” but deep down I was losing it. The devil ever ready to shove his ugly head into the equation, I saw myself walking with strange crews, prioritizing worldly stuff, chasing shadows and finally I broke. What happened next my hands cannot really type but I was sure I couldn’t go lower than my present state. I was fed up, I went to God in prayers and told him everything, for the first time in a long time I felt his presence. Nothing can compare to the peace of mind that came with it. I can’t say I am fully on my feet but I know am heading somewhere. It’s never too late to go back to the Father. Jesus is enough for me, I want nothing else.
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