Dr. Kingsley is a good friend of mine. He’s a recluse; a trait iconic to doctors. He usually kept a stiff upper lip no matter how chequered and unpleasant the situation seemed. Sometimes, he confided in me when he was going off the rails and couldn’t hold it anymore. But, Dr. Kingsley was a very happy person all the way, not usually perturbed by tenuous details.
This very day, we were half a baker’s dozen of friends including Dr. Kingsley trying to ease stress by having a bit of fun around the tables in our favourite spot, Mama Bisi’s, where we let liquor run unvarnished down our hatches with pieces of meat to variegate our tastes. Friday evenings were always beer and skittles for us all as we enjoyed one another’s company but this very day, Dr. Kingsley looked blue. He was the only married man among the seven of us and we felt his worries may have wormed out of conjugal miasma so we didn’t want to intrude. We usually drank a bit of alcohol, seeking solace in Dr. Kingsley’s salubrious advice that a bit of strong wine wasn’t bad at all. Worrisomely, he wasn’t neither drinking nor was he rending pieces of meat either.
“Guy wetin dey worry you today sef?” Ogie asked in an angry tone. Ogie is the most bellicose of us all, he had no time to spare for measures other than going physical.
Dr. Kingsley decided to spill the beans, “Men, my wife is becoming something else really and it worries me a lot. These days we barely even have time to talk let alone have sex. It makes me worry a lot if it is my problem or hers. Each time I talk to her about sex, she tells me she’s too tired or she’s not in the mood and the funny part is that she comes home every day by 6pm while I return by 9 so I keep wondering how come she tires out. She has refused me six times now for no tangible reason. The worst part of it is that she’s always with her phone. After complaining she’s tired, she spends hours chatting and checking pictures on Instagram and all that before I sleep off,” our doctor lamented.
“My guy you don finish be that o. Which kind tire she dey tire? No be she dey bang you for bathroom and kitchen again?” queried Sam. This wasn’t funny at all as far as we were concerned. His marriage was barely a year old with no kids yet the wife was already misbehaving. Dr. Kingsley is a man of means, a man who has gloried in providing for the family. Whenever the wife needed money, it was up for grabs.
“Kinzo I first tell you say that girl no make sense for you. Her eye don tear reach ears but you say she too go well, she dey come wash your clothes, dey clean your house. I tell you say all na eye service. She dey bang you anyhow that time now she dey find another man for Instagram.” Ogie fired. It took some minutes to separate the two of them as Kingsley almost went physical on Ogie. We all couldn’t enjoy ourselves anymore with this ugly story.
In truth, I have never approved of Blessing for Kingsley. The first time I saw her, she struck me as a malapert. She appeared like a sad commentary. She looks like someone who has never made a good decision in life. I wonder why my friend had to fall prey to a woman who had her belly lower than a snake’s.
Kingsley was apparently unhappy and frustrated but we blamed him a lot. He was deceived by the fantastic gimmicks she pulled during the currency of their courtship which was barely a month. Motivated by his ability to conduct a palatable marriage, he led her to the altar without scrutiny and the smart girl, desirous of a fulsome wedding, had put in an angelic appearance to weasel into the marriage. Now, the marriage is falling through for one reason – they weren’t friends who knew each other. They only dated and got married and now, the boredom of marriage had overwhelmed her to unfurl her fractious character. Why should a woman who hasn’t borne a child reject the husband for six times in a roll? Is the rejection a Grammy award? Why would a woman allow social media to come between her inchoate marriage? I am not a stringer for discussions related to marriages because I believe marriage is a very sensitive issue, and anyone who wishes to talk about it must approach it with a fine tooth comb. I’m led to share my views a bit out of my understanding.
Marriage is a planet of its own. Marriage itself is a world of its own. Whether that world will blossom or not depends on the persons who come into it. Many a lady sees marriage as a haven where happiness is guaranteed but sadly it’s not. Many things happen during marriage. When two adults make up their minds to be married, it ideally means that they are jumping out of their planets together into a different planet where they must now act in unison. Let me give a break down. Marriage is a manifestation of every single behaviour or misbehaviour that a couple possesses. Your husband will realise you have many ugly shades of yourself and you as a lady will realise same. There will be times you would wonder why you ever married her, she will wonder too and there are times things will go just right.
However, many marriages get destroyed for lack of two main things – friendship and discipline. I will explain. The other day I went on Facebook and saw a married friend of mine who wrote, “I’m lonely” on her timeline. I shook my head in utter disgust. The other day on Vanguard, I read of a couple who filed a divorce for a very funny reason. The husband has always warned her against pushing out toothpaste from the middle of the paste sachet rather, she should push it from the bottom of the lid. She refused out of flippancy and said she would use it out from any angle of the paste and any time the husband reprimands her, she starts operating her phone. When the husband seized her phone for a whole day, she insisted on a divorce, push came to shove, they are beleaguered. Nobody ever said social media is a bad thing, it has always depended on how mature the user is. A married woman has no reason to post such a personal feeling to the entire world. It is simply an act of indiscipline. To be a good partner, whether male or female, you must first build a strong sense of self-love, self-discipline and self-respect for yourself before you get married. You can’t love or respect your partner when you have no self-love or respect. There is a big difference between being a girlfriend and a wife. Guys may love to hook up with a hot girl who goes crazy all over social media but when it comes to marriage, a nigga becomes a man; he expects you to show him how disciplined you are especially as to how to relate with external parties. Take a look at your old mother, you will understand what it means for a woman to keep a marriage.
Many ladies these days are scared of marriage not because they don’t like the idea of being a full-fledged woman with kids but because they don’t know if they can keep a running marriage without an eventual divorce. I will tell you what, marriage only requires you to stop acting like a girlfriend who always threatens to break up or gives less commitment, and start acting like a woman who understands that no matter the hurdles, they have both come to stay. Truthfully, commitment is an uphill task for both genders these days especially given that ladies are becoming irretrievably given to feminist agitations of equality and all that crap. As put by an admirable Crichton, Stephanie Okowanji, she said that a woman is supposed to do what her husband cannot do without complaints except for the ones he’s primarily expected to do as the head of the home – If your husband cannot cook, you simply cook. Feminist struggle has almost wiped off the idea of men being the “head” of the home replacing it with the idea of men being “an equal” in the home but trust me, it will never work and even when it does, the marriages will always suffer. Check your celebrities for example.
The growth of social media will do great harm to many marriages and homes in the long run. I envy the marriages of our parents who have stayed together for more than 50 years. Those days, when couples had issues they sorted it out in their bedrooms where nothing could possibly come between the discussions but these days, when couples have issues, they quickly get busy with laptops and phones, the problems linger until they are no longer fond of each other. This madness can only be cured by a strong self-discipline. You must understand that the marriage is all you live for now that you are married. Hastily settle your discord and things will thrive.
Also, the best way to enjoy a marriage is to have a strong friendship with your partner. Where many persons get it wrong is this – the fact that you are dating a girl doesn’t make her your best friend. When you marry her, you will see many things you never knew and grow to hate her. Many persons dating have a foolish habit of keeping another close friend they call “bestie” who knows everything about them while the dating partner is reserved for sex and other things they call “relationship talk”. Except you are only interested in the one or two months relationship, you must learn to build a very strong friendship with your partner. Nobody should understand you better than your partner. You both must know everything and anything about each other. Other friends should be just friends and if they must know anything about you, your partner must have first-hand knowledge of it. The better friends you both are, the likely your marriage will have less hurdles if you eventually get married. That’s not to say that friendship is a guarantee for long lasting marriages, at least, it prevents divorce in the grounds of how to apply toothpaste.
Like I said, I’m not the bastion of marriage neither am I the Michelangelo of conjugal psychology; it is just my train of reasoning as one who knows how many beans makes five. Feel free to share your own views.
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