“It is a boy, no it is a girl…oh well gender is not an issue,” I said to myself, after all I had resolved deep down to be there for him or her (whichever the case may be) through every single phase of life.
Time flies they say, but then I did not quite concur with that notion. I mean I spent almost three months waiting patiently for my lifetime companion, oh boy was I wrong. Sooner than I expected, she was a toddler and goodness gracious she was a huge bundle of energy, so much agility and life and vigor compressed into one little human. Truth be told, I literally had to wear myself out daily just to keep up with her, but I loved it. Seeing her so strong and inquisitive gave me joy, watching her best her companions in miniature backyard Olympic Games gladdened me, I could not help but glow with pride at the strong child or should I say lady that she was becoming. At night, I continued to be there for her, making sure she was never lonely and sharing her pains with her, filling her up with emotions and ensuring that warm liquid life kept flowing through her veins. Indeed I was more than determined that never ever will I let her go.
Death is inevitable, many would say we should be brave and courageous even in the face of death, but truth be told, it hurts real bad and beneath our bold and seemingly undaunted nature, there is so much hurt and pain. I can never forget the pain she felt when she heard of the death of her father, I literally saw her whole world come crumbling down and her strength failed her, how she wished for death and hoped that some unseen but prevailing evil would whisk her away. In that time of need I was there for her, providing her with listening ears and calming words, reassuring her that all will be fine and providing a firm pillar upon which she could find solace.
Talk about love and the face lights up, talk about love and a warm feeling that displaces all other cold feelings comes to life. I can never forget how queasy she got when he walked by, she would stare at him for hours and when they talked, she wore a sheepish grin that I must confess made her look incredibly lovely. Time went by and her fondness of him increased and then I knew that indeed she loved him deeply. She confided in him and shared her deepest hurt with him, she made him the source of her smile and reason behind her laughter, she cherished his presence and he cherished hers. Indeed they were perfect and I being the great companion urged her on, continually reassuring her that she had finally found her life partner.
And one morning she woke to a sinking feeling, he that she shared her heart with was gone, no goodbyes, no message saying he will be back, just vanished into thin air. He had driven her to the height of joy and happiness and literally left her there spiraling towards the earth with no parachute. Filled with dread and a growing sense of despair, I watched as she picked up her phone and dialed his number, there was a response and though I did not hear the words that were spoken, I saw the life and joy drain from her face rapidly and I knew then that he had struck a really sensitive nerve. Dropping her phone in midair, she fell back towards the bed and sobbed. Sobbed not because she was heartbroken but sobbed because she was once again left alone, alone in a cruel world. And I could do nothing about it because then I was in a billion pieces.
Days passed and graduated into weeks and weeks into months and months into years, she craved for company and a comforter but I kept her at bay, the demons which plagued me constantly made me feed her wrong thoughts and emotions, reminding her daily of the hurt companionship brings and the pain accustomed with love, I kept her at bay from the warmth of another human and embrace of another. You would not blame me for what I did nonetheless; I was protecting her and keeping her away from the evil that plagues the world. I convinced her to put up a façade so that all that see her believe she is indeed strong. Little did I know I was wrong, I was too frightened by my demons to realize the damage I was causing to her. And slowly she sank into depression, from depression arose dementia and from dementia arose suicidal thoughts.
Finally here I lie, a knife through me while I remember the life I lived, the happy times and the sad times, the depressing times and the intriguing moments, looking back I might say I lived a happy life with my companion but alas I am leaving the earth soon and I have no one to tell my tale, no one to share my stories with. No one to tell this heart’s tale.
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