You remember when we talked all night? Time isn’t easy on us really. How can love just die? Life is so fragile, it’s like I could cry. I promised I would never tell you just how I felt, but what if this feeling still makes sense to you? To think that you were my everything, these memories now seem so old. Whatever it was I felt, it was deep and it was love. Love is such a silly thing, you know. You were mine just yesterday but now I have no idea who you’re. – Selena Gomez: Camouflage
Shade was the most enchanting lady I have ever known. We were just awesome together; people always said that about us. We were in love with each other without restraints. You know the kind of love you have no idea where your senses go? The kind of love that makes you want to constantly prove to her that she’s special? Oh well, that’s mine. Shade and I were cool. We had great plans together. She was always happy to have me around her. “You’re so moist and funny,” she’d tease. On my end, I would smile innocently wishing she said more. What the hell did she ever mean by ‘moist’? Being soft enough to be manipulated perhaps. She made me feel like a King until a shade of Shade I never knew came out of the blues. Shade started acting funny. She avoided calls, no replies, always resisted seeing me and all. Like a lamb to the slaughter, I kept at her. I kept caring and calling. To make matters worse, it all happened at a time distance wouldn’t let us commune eye to eye. She used to tell me that distance was never a barrier for those thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth. Maybe she forgot. Maybe she didn’t care anymore but I did. The more I cared, I never knew I was creating a deep hole in my heart nothing could fill. She kept giving excuses. Lies. The silly thing about love, you just don’t care; you are blind to signs. Even when I felt she wasn’t interested anymore, I kept pushing. I loved her so much. I couldn’t let go.
Months rolled by, seeing Shade was a problem. Sometimes, I would preach the essence of communication to her but like many worshippers, my sermons she paid no heed. Soon I started hurting. As the gentleman mafia would say, men cry too. When I started hurting, I realised I already went too deep. I had created a deep vacuum in my heart for her to fill but what will I do now?
“Shade what’s wrong with us?” I would ask.
“We’re fine,” she kept saying. No form of heartbreak is more painful than the one where you have no idea what went wrong. I spent nights trying to figure it out but I couldn’t. Maybe certain things were meant to happen that way. I already heard everything will come to an end, I only hoped my end with Shade wasn’t near.
“Boo, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us. I just don’t feel it anymore. Let’s just be friends,” she said on a remarkable day.
After the call ended, I wept bitterly. Where did I go wrong? I tried to be strong but every time, my heart failed me. I dug too deep into it with my stellar memories with Shade. I lost focus, rectitude, concentration and most of all. I lost the heart to love. While I died in pain and anguish, she was strong and hale. Like every other girl, their pains are always relieved because there’s always this respectable nice guy that helps to heal her wounds for his own interests to surface. She had them galore. I couldn’t tell anyone what happened to Shade and I. I slithered away in pain, washed my face in gooey tears. Shade, the question is, what type of friend would I be now? What should I do when I see you with someone else? How do I remain a friend without Catching Feelings again? Is it always so easy to forget the moments and memories?. If making me a friend would make you feel less guilt, I’m sorry to disappoint you. Don’t stay if you are ever going to leave and don’t try to stay when you’ve left. Truly, being a friend wasn’t going to help. I needed more. I loved her too much.
Time crept in to give us the slack we needed. Days, weeks, a month, we were already apart. It’s terrible to think that the person you used to have long and deep chats with are now the “hellos and hi” you see on your lists. How come? How soon? I am moving on already though. I have to accept that I can never always get what I want. Love is a vicious cycle, I believe. Those who are hurt will hurt other innocent souls. I must confess, loving someone who doesn’t love you is not the worst feeling. Loving someone who made you believe it was in return but never was, is worse. The worst feeling is the type I feel now – not being able to love someone else because the person who broke your heart stole the pieces alongside. But then, I’m moving on already because I have no choice anymore. I will spend the rest of my life penning my song and the verses I write will speak for me. Good boys don’t make history so I may never be what you assume but I don’t want your hooks or auto-tune. If I’m off-key then that’s alright with me. Oh and maybe you will learn this when I’m gone, my song will carry on.
For every text left unanswered, every call unattended to, and every hopeful glance ignored, my heart broke a little more till there was nothing left to shatter. And just when I thought I had felt real pain, I saw Shade in the arms of another and then I felt my soul crack.
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