Dear ex, it’s been a while since I saw you. As I steered my steps homewards the other day, you were not within arm’s reach. Did you find the note that I wrote? I hid it in the seam of your coat. It was hard to write though, I had a lump in my throat. I’m sure you have no idea how hard it was to let you go.
It’s been six months now since I left you and I haven’t heard from you. My mind has been strewed up and I’ve been swamped; I’m also trying to efface your memories – the memories that plunges me in deep late night thoughts. I guess you have given up trying to call me. Perhaps you never did. I guess you got tired of messaging even though I received none. I know I left you without a word but I thought I’d be wise you knew why I left.
My dear ex, I miss us a lot. I keep thinking of the memories we shared together, our dreams never lacked lustre. You remember when I used to tell you that our love was doctored by God himself, limned and engrafted in our hearts to spend eternity. How we played like kids, ate like gourmands and drank ale like men in the tavern. I miss the attention we once enjoyed. You would not let a day pass by without dropping a message. It was the most adorable thing about us. But, in a flash, we lost it and then I realized it was for a moment. Did you stop loving me or you got bored? Why were you so cold to me? Tell me was it all for the thrill? I gave you everything I could but you still went for the kill. I gave you heaven on a platter baby I gave you everything you never gave me, I never lied and I never faked it, I only wanted you to love me same. And when I left you, I always thought you’d come back, tell me that all you found living without me was heartbreak and misery. It’s hard for me to say though but I’m jealous of the way you’re happy without me.
You kept telling me you love me but I wonder what love is when you left me ill for weeks without a call. You said you cared about me; it’s funny how you forgot I had health issues plaguing me. How do you explain your love when you deserted me for weeks without a bit of attention? Maybe love has its own definition for you but was it the one we agreed upon? All I now see is a charade spreading silhouetted pieces of your singsongs; Lies.
And that’s the problem with putting others first… You teach them that you come second and that got to me. Maybe now you’d realise that when I loved you, I was not weak, I was not idle, I was not foolish and even if I were, it is because you were like a shimmering pride of Barbados, a flower that I could not resist. Why then did you push me away because flowers cannot wither away or because I can’t find roses in place of Barbados?
Dear ex, there’s so much I want to say but certain things are better left unsaid. I was such a fool to think love was all that counted. Yes, I loved you but you needed more than love. You needed money, you needed the happening guy. You needed the perfect guy and even when I strove to be one, it just never worked. I went there extra mile countless times than you, me. None of these mattered. I loved you deeply and that was all I cared about. How senseless I was! Instead of blaming you for not loving me, I should blame myself for not having all it would take to garner your love; The rarity I clamoured.
Dear ex, since I couldn’t be the perfect man you desired, since you couldn’t love me as much as I loved you, I had to let go. For weeks I cried and wailed but now I’m stronger. I have realised that we waste precious time trying to get those who have no interest in us, love us. While we do this, we punish those who love us for something they know nothing about. What a vicious cycle! I had to throw in the towel. I had to stop fighting. I’ve learnt to love those who love me. I’ve learnt that it is better to be with those who appreciate you and most of all, I’ve learnt that those who we keep chasing for love will never bring the happiness we desire in the inside. I still love you dear, sometimes I still feel like I want to be with you but then, the most important decision had to be made – the decision to be happy because no matter how beautiful the love stories were, no matter how much o desired you, I have to accept that certain things will never fit, nor will certain people. I finally realised that while you are busy chasing those who do not love you, you will lose those who do and eventually lose at both ends. It’s better for me to smile in the reality of being loved than to cry over the fantasies of being loved by someone who saw no reality in my cogitations. Shakespeare said indeed, “Love sought is good, but love unsought is better”.
Dear ex, love wasn’t our problem. When we had each other, we had everything until your priorities changed. I don’t regret us for every mistake made isn’t just a wrong step, it is a lesson. I’ll stick to those who love me. Dear, life is too evanescent for me to ensnare myself in the chase for love where I can’t find it. If you had done the same, perhaps we would be together but it’s okay. Someday, you’ll realise that I had the love that would make you but just when you’d come looking for me, I’d be at arm’s length. I tried to make you see that loving someone is like falling off a cliff; you have to let go of all inhibitions and fears. Let love hurt you, Let love heal you. Perhaps you chose to love me with your head when, unlike others, I chose to love you with my heart.
Trust me babe, it wasn’t easy to let you go, it only became easy to move on when I figured out that you were gone even before I left you. I gathered you are now in love with the mogul down the next street. I’m sure you love him. I’m only shocked he loves my sister too.
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