She sat, smiling. My eyes often interlocking vision with hers, she didn’t know anything. That is the farthest I have ever gone; looking from a distance. I’d hold the mic, sing out my heart, speaking to her, ‘How Did She Not Know?’ it was obvious. I sang facing her directions, pointing at her face, smiling as she smiled. Every song I performed revolved around her, I built a solar system of rhythms; she was the sun.
“Notice me!! Look in my direction!! See me!!” I’d scream, so inaudibly. The school always gives me the opportunity to sing, my unbelievable range is undoubtedly the reason. Every verse, every bridge, every lyric of every song, I’d dedicate to her. Of course! She didn’t know, she probably would never; I am too much of a chicken, I’d never tell her. I’d not tell a soul. I know I have the words to touch her heart, but I keep biting my tongue, I keep swallowing my spittle, hoping she’d see through me.
Maybe if I give enough subtle signals she’d see, maybe she would look, maybe she’d notice me. I know I am feeding myself lies, but what else can I do. Walk up to her and tell her how her eyes are my brightest star? That’s something I man would do, not a chicken. I have rehearsed my first real conversation with her time and time again, every time fine tuning my words, working on my delivery, every time not delivering. It always begins with her smiling, her face shining, my body shivering and then the shivers rushing down my spine. My words escaping, disappearing, dust to the wind.
In all this she knows nothing, walking past me like I am nobody. Not even looking twice. Does she understand the effect she has on me? The struggle to keep my shaky legs from failing? The effort I put into stopping myself from grabbing her arm, looking her in the eye and then stealing a kiss? I know she doesn’t, I have never told her. She may not even know my name, she probably thinks I am from Jamaica.
I have read so many books, listened to so many people and they all seem to think love at first sight is a myth. I don’t know if it is one. I don’t completely understand what I feel but then if this isn’t love, what is? What else can be the explanation for my lack of coordination around her? Why does my heartbeat increase so drastically? Why does my blood pressure rise? Why am I consumed by this want to be in her presence and this need to see her smile? What else is this?
I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know when to say those words…I could even sing it, I just can’t. Don’t ask why, I don’t know why. I just can’t. I have waited for this feeling to go, this emotion to be faded away and now I know it has a bed already; it’s going nowhere. I can only hope, expect, lie to myself, call it whatever you like but I can only but wish that she notices me.
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