One of the hardest things to ever do in life is to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever. It’s so difficult to do but then we assure ourselves that the excitement that comes with writing a whole new book is worth it. Quickly, I remember my grandmother’s favourite old saying, “Son, the Devil you know is better than the Angel you don’t know”. I swear her words never made sense to me until I was seated in front of my lawyer about to sign the divorce papers just barely two years after my marriage.
Two years ago we vowed to love each other until death separated us. We vowed to forsake all others, to stand by each other through good and bad. On that day I made those vows with my heart, knowing at times it would be hard, but believing our love was strong enough to make it. We saw our share of trials and at some point our paths began to separate. I held tight to what we started with, doing all I could to fix it, change it, perfect it. It wasn’t my fault neither was it yours then whose fault was it? We played the blame game for as long as I can remember. Gradually, I turned elsewhere, partially shutting the door to my heart, letting someone else in again. I can’t seem to figure out how but she was different. She just seemed more real to me. She made me begin to wake up to reality. Please my love, don’t see this as some sort of comparison but like they always say, the truth is bitter.
For months, I tried to make sense of it, wondering daily why you just weren’t enough. I know as a wife there’s never a good enough explanation to ease the pain and the loneliness that a husband’s betrayal brings and no one gets it unless they’ve lived through it. I know there’s no recovery from the emotional depth of betrayal, even though for months I could see how badly you tried. I’m sorry my betrayal has taken everything you are and leaves you doubting yourself every single day. Last time, I looked into your eyes, all I could see was guilt, even when you weren’t the one to break your vows and turn to someone other than your spouse. I saw your eyes roll, I could feel your heart spin and your mind question what kind of person you are, inside and out.
My love, I know this divorce is hard on you! I know how much it makes you question your worth, your value, your identity. Because it doesn’t matter how hard you try or how badly you hope and plead for a miracle, the fact is that you’re just not good enough. Not enough to fulfill desires, to meet unmet needs, not enough to make me happy and satisfied. How do I know all of this? It’s simple. My new soon-to-be-bride brought me out of my illusion. She made me realise that what we had was way impossible. In fact, our marriage never existed. The last two years of my life was lived in deceit. We both lied to ourselves. Despite knowing how impossible it was and still is for us to ever get married, we both enjoyed the fantasy. How could we have ever thought that I, a living thing would get married to something as abstract as you? What was I thinking when I proposed to you “Sister Career”. I can’t possibly get married to a part of my life but I understand what exactly happened. The heartbreaks prior to that time were just to many and so I only needed some sort of “escapisim”. Thanks for coming in handy. Above all, thanks for keeping me away from the fake babes until I finally met the real one. She is a great girl, someone you would love as she would contribute greatly to you (career). I call her Iyawo.
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